Sunday, 10 July 2011

You know me, I'm impulsive.

When I was younger I used to write a diary, I never really had much to say so I stopped.  When I got a little older and was experiencing some problems a friend told me to keep a diary.  I tried it for a while but in the end I decided that marking pen to paper was too permanent and couldn't face re-reading entries.  So for now I will try the most up-to-date way of keeping a diary.  I'll keep a blog.

I guess you wondering what has lead me to open this blog and attempt for the third time a so called 'cathartic' activity which I have failed at twice already.  His name is Chris and for now writing this is less shameful than replying to him.  Although we have been separated from one another for over a month I am still working at moving on.  After three years together moving on from our relationship seems as difficult as moving mountains.  Now don't get me wrong I'm not new to this - I have experienced a break up before.  It just the moving on alone part that I'm struggling with.  Normally I have a 'back-up boyfriend' waiting in the wings so that if ever I was to become single I'd be instantly distracted and back in a relationship within the week.  Mentally healthy? No.  The right thing to do? No.  The option that leads to less heartbreak? indefinitely.

'Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive.  But I'm just a fucked up girl looking for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours'

This break up is different though, I'm going it alone.  I'm attempting to move on from somebody and become a more independent and stable version of myself.  Now lets not get ahead of ourselves, I said I was attempting it not that I was successful in doing so.  I am not in a relationship of any from with another man but there is somebody who I can't but help myself thinking about.  I know I don't need to be in a relationship at the minute and for this reason I'm going to focus on the obstacles between us.  Problem 1: My best friend genuinely likes him and has done for a very long time (bordering on obsession).  Problem 2: I have no idea if he even thinks of me in a romantic way or if he merely see's me as a friend.  Problem 3: He is friends with Chris and would see anything happening between him and I as being disloyal.

There are a plethora of reasons why I shouldn't like him and only one why I should.  That one reason being that when he looks at me I almost feel like he is staring straight into my soul, it's a bizarre feeling and one I have never come across.  Perhaps this is why I find him so intriguing?

'You can't ascribe great cosmic significance to a simple earthly event.  Coincidence, that's all anything ever is, nothing more than coincidence'

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